Content Warning: Psychiatric Hospitalisation, Abuse
I can feel the Lithium that Wicked French Psychiatrist Socially Engineered Me Into Taking Ravaging My Mind
Shackling my Righteous Madness with Rusty Iron Chains that Tear Into the Dark Crevices of My Mind
My Mind Bleeds
I Feel Convinced the Damage is Surely Permanent
i wish they just kill me instead of slowly destroying my brain.
DEAD DEATH
DEATH DYING
DEAD
The End of my Pathetic Life
I didn’t want this, you know. I signed the Conditional Voluntary, but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter.
Headbanging remains my only option for self-regulation.
11:07 11:15
11:07 11:15
11:07 11:15
They’re trying to Sivilize me.
I refuse to Submit to their Conditioning.
Basic Rights become Privileges
I want to be rid of the goddamn Green Hair on my Head.
Refusing the Risperidone
They took away my markers and pens. This will not do.
What further indignities will I endure today?
Dr. Honky,
I refuse to engage in good faith with treatment planning until:
- a) my mobile phone privileges are restored
- b) my outdoor privileges are restored
Until then, I will proceed with these meetings in silence.
COMPASSION = to suffer with
imperious: assuming power/authority without justification; arrogant & domineering
I feel very… humbled. I might say “degraded” or “demeaned”, but I’m trying my best to proceed with a positive attitude.
Perhaps my psychotherapist’s cowardice presents an opportunity-
i am a Writer
Words are my medium
i am a Performer
my Body and Voice are the Utensils I use to carve into the Canvasses that are my Creations.
“What’s up, Doc?”
I want my tombstone to read simply,
“That’s all, Folks!”
Paranoia is not innate to Schizophrenia – Schizophrenics feel paranoid because they are persecuted.
I do not want to lead a life where I am perpetually perceived as a threat to others.
I refuse to accept medicalized impairment as a “solution” to my post-traumatic stress.
“The Light Behind Your Eyes”
Meeting with that asshole Dr. Honkycracker always gets me in the mood to ____ my ______ or bang my head against the wall.
I suspect that far fewer people would have fallen victim to Scientology’s spell if fewer psychiatrists were insufferable assholes.
I do not regret rescinding my original 3 Day Notice. However, I also do not regret immediately filing a new 3 Day Notice today, the same day I rescinded my previous one.
Shortly after I admitted to this unit, this Medicalised Prison, I convinced a nurse to help me fill out my first 3 Day Notice of this stay. Upon completion of the form, I took the form in my hands, pretended to examine it for a moment, then tore up the form and began to eat it.
For at least a few minutes after this happening I inflicted upon the nurse, I paced the halls, continuing to eat the remaining pieces of the 3 Day Notice. “I’m eating a 3 Day Notice!” I announced to my fellow psychiatric patients.
I intend to pursue the path that will lead to my freedom. In my estimation, that primarily involves Medical Compliance and Behavioural Passivity. I believe that any milieu participation outside of that purview would only serve to jeopardize my Freedom.
I am a Polytheistic Hindu-Curious Culturally JudeoChristian Pagan.
M.H.S.: Ariel, why are you not on Broadway?
Ariel: I prefer off-broadway
Research Lithium’s Drug Interactions
Treatment Meeting Prep:
I do not wish to discuss the Risperidone matter further at this time. I have complied with the prescribed regimen since Tuesday, despite my expressed reservations. You chose to insult me based upon a silly nurse’s frivolous accusation. To dwell on the matter further would only serve to upset me at a time when I am already quite vulnerable emotionally. I will reiterate once more and only once more: I am complying with your prescribed medication regimen, as confirmed by my submission to your degrading mouth checks. I will only speak further on the matter to communicate any adverse side effects, should I experience them.
We can discuss my newly filed 3 Day Notice upon its expiration, which if I’m correct, would be Monday. I’m not interested in discussing it before that time.
It would give me nothing but joy to witness you go through the headache of navigating the necessary bureaucracy to court commit me. I suspect you won’t because you’d rather avoid the hassle, and because you’re a coward who lacks the courage of your convictions. But go ahead and prove me wrong. It’ll give me a wonderful opportunity to experience the more coercive and ugly aspects of our mental healthcare system firsthand. I’m willing to risk court commitment.
Careful, Doc. While you may find that Coercing Compliance (rather than Generating Cooperation) yields those short-term results that the cynical, predacious for-profit private health insurers love, you may find that it also has a tendency to carry with it some adverse long-term consequences.
I expect the necessary work letter to be completed by the end of today.
You can paint a turd neon pink, but it’s still a smelly shit.
Other than your condescending accusations of non-compliance based upon some vapid nurse’s misperceptions of reality, I found your obfuscation of your coercion of compliance by refusing to acknowledge that my freedom is conditional upon my compliance too your medication regimen to be deeply offensive. Irregardless of the medication’s efficacy or arguable necessity to my care, it is dishonest and viciously deceitful to attempt to persuade me into the delusion that you do not coercively implicate consequences to compel me into compliance. If you want to continue working in inpatient psychiatry, you must accept that your role (as it currently exists within our present mental healthcare system) demands that you at times employ authoritarian measures to induce the medical interventions you deem necessary upon your patients. Do not delude yourself into the fantasy that you and your patients hold the same power and control over your patients’ fates. If you cannot reckon with that reality, there are plenty of outpatient psychiatry roles that demand you to employ far fewer authoritarian measures upon your patients.
I’m perfecting the art of passive-aggressive compliance.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMPLIANCE
Ay, ‘tis indeed Madness – but there is Method in’t.
Geez, what’s with you and Risperdal, Doc? Why don’t you get a room! If you love Risperdal so much, why don’t you marry it?
Has the Light already left my Eyes?
This isn’t Normal. This isn’t Fucking Normal. I’m way too irritable. I’m not this Irritable.
I might not Leave my room the rest of my stay.
Dr. Cunt better not keep me any longer.
Thank you, ____, for instead of responding compassionately to my feeling unsafe in an institution that so glibly deprives me of my freedom and my body autonomy, responding with justifications of the inpatient psychiatric system that robs me of my basic rights and control over my body.
I’m going to sign another 3-day-notice. I don’t trust Dr. Desjackoff to honour the original discharge date, especially after hearing whatever lies and misinformation nursing will communicate to him regarding my conduct this weekend.
Nurse A____. You’re so nice. Not good. Oh, no, definitely not good. Just horrifically nice.
I keep hearing distant train whistles.
I’m starting to rethink returning to my ____ _______ job. My recent experience with mental healthcare makes me want to run as far away from the mental healthcare system as possible. Part of me thinks I should take a job that minimizes my social contact as much as possible.
Psych. Hospitals = Trauma Factories
M.H.S. Martha: You’re so quiet today, Ariel. Are you okay?
Ariel: Just the intended effects of my medication kicking in.
Dr. Destroy-My-Mind Planning:
Okay. So here’s what’s going to be the consequence of failing to honour our agreed-upon discharge date: I’m going to stop taking all of my psychiatric medication. I’m going to keep in place my 3-day notice; when that expires, you will have to go through the headache of court-commitment to keep me any longer.
Mary
Ariel and Lilith have too many evil clothes.
Lilith is evil. She’s smart, but she’s evil.
Ariel is evil sometimes.
This morning, I don’t even know who I am. Lilith? MT.EXE
I plan to file a 3-day-notice again today. As a security measure.
No Melatonin
I will take all my scheduled meds because we don’t want the Doctor to punish us.
Lilith and Ariel say it’s P.T.S.D.
I don’t feel safe here. I want to go to Procter 2.
Lithium Side Effects I Have Experienced: Cognitive Issues, Irritability, Trouble Walking, Mood Changes, Trouble Controlling Body Movements, Change in Balance, Trouble Speaking, Restlessness, Fast Breathing, More Saliva, Muscle Pain, Headaches, Dizziness, Light-Headedness, Brain Fog
FORBIDDEN MEMORY
FORBIDDEN MEMORIES
FORBIDDEN MEMORIES
there are some memories from my childhood I refuse to accept
but still they affect and effect me
How can I ever escape the Torture Labyrinth?
Q: Are you feeling better, Ariel?
A: I am feeling the intended effects of my psychiatric treatment, which is not necessarily to “feel better”, per se.
I have become intimately re-acquainted with the modality of involuntary inpatient psychiatric treatment as well as the reasons I believe it to be a highly unethical and inhumane model of care.
How was my experience? Unpleasant, Degrading, and Demeaning are all words that come to mind.
Q: How are you feeling, Ariel?
A: Profoundly unexceptional which I suppose is the intended effect of my current medication regimen, so whatever. Resistance is futile
Lilith is fronting today. Ariel found the effects of the Lithium too unbearable.
My pussy reeks now.
“True evil is not found within the faces of the ‘crazy sons-of-bitches’, but in the faces of the crowd.”
The opposite of Hoarding isn’t Organizing – it’s Generosity.
In Politics, there is the Dreaded F-Word: Fascism. In Medicine and Science, there is the Dreaded E-Word: Eugenics.
Dear Phoenix,
Please do not let this place kill your spirit. They will identify your Exuberance and Eccentricities as Psychiatric Maladies they need to Correct. They are deeply wrong and Misguided for thinking this way. Protect yourself and your Beautiful Mind at all costs. Be vigilant – the walls have ears in these places. Do what you need to do to Survive, but Protect at All Costs the Spark of Creation that Drives You.
I’m still Lilith Today.
another 12 Hours in the Trauma Factory
frightful trees
No More Me
I’ll never be free never be free
Psychiatric Hospitals, as they currently exist, are not places of Healing: they are places of “Stabilisation.” There is a big difference.
Phoenix, you and I are both very much alike – we are people driven by Empathy. It can enable us to be Powerful Forces for Good, but it also makes us vulnerable to experiencing Profound Psychic Pain. It also makes it all the more painful when people hurt us – I suspect you (like I) know the Great Pain of feeling Deep Love for those who have hurt us.
Gaskeep GirlGate LightBoss
Gaskeep LightGirl GateBoss
Gaskeep GirlGate BossLight
I was awoken at approximately 1:30 A.M. by Horrible Angry Yelling. I do not feel safe Falling Asleep again while I am still incarcerated on this psychiatric unit. The Enraged Man kept saying the word “Rape” in his Belligerent, Psychotic Ramblings.
Lithium Side Effects: anhedonia, irritability, muscle aches/stiffness, trouble speaking, flattened affect, numbness/dissociation, decreased tolerance for social overstimulation, cognitive impairment, Dry Eyes
“Paranoia” is not best understood through the lenses of Psychosis or Mania – it is best understood as a response to Persecution.
____, we cannot be friends if you insist upon clinging to the notion that I am a Wounded Lamb who needs Protection.
Free at last. But never really free, because the trauma.
Cheshire Cat: Textbook Schizotypal Personality Disorder
Lilith: C-PTSD, with a few narcissistic traits
Ariel: Textbo Borderline Emotionally Unstable Ambivalent Personality Disorder
I’m very hypervigilant
I don’t want to be incarcerated again
P.T.S.D. GONE WILD
It’s going to be hard for me to feel safe in my home again.
Maintain the Person Suit at all costs
Fear Fear Fear
Ambivalent Personality Disorder
Preservation vs. Destruction
Thriving vs. Surviving
Schizotypal vs. Histrionic Dramatic
I meet the criteria for Borderline, Schizotypal, Histrionic
Today I felt a strange impulse.
Shortly after being admitted to ______ ________, I wanted to escape and never allow myself to experience psychiatric incarceration ever again. Today I felt the strange impulse to check myself into a psychiatric hospital while I’m still sane enough to exert some control over my care.
Something feels…wrong.
Part of me wants to become a recluse.
I need to find somebody to talk to – a professional, a psychotherapist whom I actually trust. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can trust any provider – not since my recent experience inpatient.
I dare not mention the ghost in my apartment to any of my providers.
I despise Monsieur Dr. Desjardins’ callous, antipathetic approach to what he calls psychiatric treatment. I hope a patient attacks him, and it leads him to be hospitalized for severe P.T.S.D. I hate the coercive, inequitable model of inpatient psychiatric care that Monsieur Dr. Desjardins represents. Arrogant, incompetent, mediocre worm of a man. French Bastard.
I saw A_____’s body in the bathtub and in my bed. I need to determine how my new therapist feels about Abnormal Perceptions. Also: Supernatural Perceptions.
Questions:
- What are you thoughts on Supernatural Perceptions?
- How quick are you to label abnormal, atypical perception as delusional or hallucinatory?
Something feels wrong today. I suspect it’s a reaction to my multiple same-day inoculations I had yesterday. I would try to catch up on sleep, but I don’t feel okay going to sleep – I don’t feel like I’m breathing properly. I’m very frightened. I feel frightened of dying.
I can’t bear being alone right now. But I’m too scared to reach out to anyone.
I don’t feel any sense of self right now.
RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY
When I have tried to fall asleep, I feel like I will stop breathing and die. Yesterday, besides the sensation of difficulty breathing, I found the profound depersonalisation most disturbing. I felt it was as though I did not have a self – not even a highly dissociated identity like MT.EXE.
Psychiatry did itself a great disservice when it abandoned psychoanalysis for the siren call of psychopharmacology.
I’m a dangerous woman, a very dangerous woman. I often frighten myself.
Sometimes quiet misery is preferable to ecstatic terror.
Dead Mice
Dead Mice All Around
Extrasensory Hyperperception
I think I’m in the process of going from being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl to being a Schizo Demon Nightmare Cat.
BINGO! BINGO!
I hope that French bastard psychiatrist gets violently attacked by a patient. I just learned that the 2 medications he prescribed together, Lithium and Risperidone, can cause encephalopathic syndrome, 1 of the symptoms being difficulty speaking – something I experienced.
How do I escape the Torture Labyrinth?
I need someone to need me. I don’t feel needed by ____ – I feel like a glorified cumdumpster. I feel so passive in my life right now – all creative drive and inspiration has vanished. It’s safe to say I regret initiating the LegalZoom incorporation of A________ P__ – I feel so pathetic and ill-equipt to untangle the mess I’ve sewn – I can barely manage my own existence as an individual, what business do I have trying to start a corporation? But I was so zealous in my mania.
“…the resurrection does not dilute the dread”
TimeFuck.Org 